You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
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[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.
He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.
There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.
My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.
What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!
Doctor: is your finger broken?
No, I don’t think so….
Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
Oh my god
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.
New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.
Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”