ME: my wife and i are having a baby!
FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?
ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…
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Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect
My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.
Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
Did you hear about the latest James Bond movie where he procrastinates about coloring his hair?
It’s called Dye Another Day
I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.
Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.
Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?
Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?
Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)
6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.
COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
[cavemen, having discovered fire, tentatively placing part of an animal carcass above the flames]
[my mother, suddenly appearing out of a time machine] You know you can do that just as easily in the air fryer.
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.