If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.
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Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?
Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy
[Earlier that day]
Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow
[before date]
friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that
[date]
her: so tell me about y-
me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND
When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
This kid is going places
Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
I’m ready for Halloween this year
My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”
My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.