It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..
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*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.
Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
Me: Can you think of anything else I should add to the cart?
Husband: Nope. You’ve got it all.
Me: <send>
Husband: Oh, you know what else we could use —
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen
Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.
How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
Case dismissed
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
ME: goodnight honey
WIFE: goodnight
EVIL BULLFROG THAT LIVES UNDER OUR BED: *angry ribbit ribbit*
BOTH OF US (in unison): goodnight evil bullfrog
*happy ribbit ribbit*
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
Erm…
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?
Me: Roast Chicken.
HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?
Me: yes, a roast chicken.