I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed
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If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”
I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.
That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.
My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.
*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face
Now it looks like me.
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.
Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.
*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird
Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months
Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing
5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.
Me: OK
5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!
Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*
5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.
Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.