MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
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Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*
SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
*Organizing closet*
Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?
Me: Oh, just put it with the others.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches
Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator
Me: why
*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”