*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*
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It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like
Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen
[looking through photos of the kids]
Me: Best thing we’ve ever done
Wife: Having children?
Me: No, buying a camera
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.
In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heartMy date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?
Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
With this onion ring, I thee fed
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
[taking my date for a walk in the woods]
HER: this sure is a dense forest
ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell
Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶
Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.