i baked you a cake
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I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
“At large”
At what?
“At venti?”
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?
[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing
Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.
My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
Me: who ate all the cookies!?
Toddler: it was the ninja
Me: did you see the ninja?
6yo: well no it’s a ninja
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon