My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
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To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.
[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
Watching Celebrity Jeopardy must be stressful for the people who run the charities. Imagine missing out on $30,000 because Christopher Meloni doesn’t know his state capitals.
Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins
Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.
🤣🤣🤣🤣
me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like
How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself
Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun