I was up all night reading about insomnia
You Might Also Like
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?
Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”
Her: I don’t know the future
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…
to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone
I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!