Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
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*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
“Oh.”
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*
Me: I have NO drafts!
Wife: *opens window*
Me: …
Wife: *opens door*
Me: …
Wife: That better?
Me: I should have married your sister.
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
You are what you delete.
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?
[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one
How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.
Cardio Made Easy
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.