Them: life is so unfair sometimes
Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is
You Might Also Like
I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers
Taxidermist: you’re fired
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..
That is the Aldi’s experience
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Barber: Do you want to see the back?
Me: Sure
*2 minutes later*
Barber: So, this is the staff room.
Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago
genie: you can’t wish for more wishes
me: okay, i wish for the best contract lawyer in the world
genie: okay weird but *poof* here’s alan
me: hey alan, find some loophole in this genie’s bylaws that gets me more wishes
alan: *to genie* this is the fifth time this month
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine