FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
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Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
this is literally a CIA plant
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”
Cop: Open the trunk please
Me: *suddenly defensive*
I have a permit for thatCop: Okay you don’t need a permit but why is it full of Queso?
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.
Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.
Sub-Zero: You first.
Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
That stupid look on my face, is my face
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”
don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:
Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings
Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.