The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
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Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.
My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?
Nope.
Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
[first day in prison]
ME: so whatcha in for?
HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions
ME: how many is too many?
HUGE CELLMATE: one
ME: oh no
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
We’ve come full circle
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
“I have toddler-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”
*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*
“No.”
the only bumper sticker ill allow
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
[Everyday]
Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?
Hubs: what?
Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.
Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression