I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
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[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called ‘Courtugese’ and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
[Amazon marketing emails]
‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*
‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*
‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*
‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*
*looks in mirror*
Hmm *—add to basket*
me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe
girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao
MEN: if your date is cold, don’t just stand there; be a gentleman and allow her to cut you open so she can crawl inside and keep warm
Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father
Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”
*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. that’s him.
*rezips babybell cheese*
Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.
Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
moms in horror movies
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”