Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
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[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
Taking phone security to the next level.
Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
🤣🤣🤣
me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?
*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.
4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.
Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
do horses think humans are hats
Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!
ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.
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[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
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“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”
Harry Potter Diss Track
Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one