The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
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Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
Varied parenting styles on full display when a mom asked a little girl what her favorite song was & she replies, “Jesus Loves Me,” and at my daughter’s turn, she comes back with “Taste Tequila”
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”
Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.
[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*
Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?
Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.
What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.
What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.
I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Is the sacrifice I made for 9 months not enough? Sharing my body and nourishing a child twice didn’t prove my level of unselfishness? Why must I constantly give and give and-
Husband: JUST LEAVE THE LAST TWO WAFFLES FOR THE KIDS YOU’VE ALREADY HAD 8
Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they’d eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.
Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.
And they’re almost the same age.
Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
Jason: Honey?
Wife: Mmmm?
Jason: Where is my hockey mask?
W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete
J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??
What about that really cool hashtag we made?
They didn’t free them when they saw it??
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass