Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
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This made me smile…
Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.
“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: Pretty much but I have to fake some of the David Bowie parts because I’m not sure the words
[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.
Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.Much healthy.
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.
How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.
Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
2 Smurfs stand over a body…
“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
My coworkers are trying to talk me into doing a Polar Plunge. If I want to be doused into freezing cold water I’ll just have someone flush while I’m taking a shower.
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes
[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?
Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.