“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”
[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]
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“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog
My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old
My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.
First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.
SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?
DAD: Wouldn’t be fair
SON: Why not?
DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
You bet
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day
My husband and I made appointments for pedicures and when we got to the salon the person assigned to him is a guy and watching my husband awkwardly try to act like he isn’t enjoying his foot rub is giving me life.
*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.