Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
You Might Also Like
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
This is I, Robot all over again
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
me: my car makes a funny noise
mechanic: that’s the horn
[house party]
ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?
HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?
ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?
“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops
I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich