Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
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How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
*sees a truck*
Nice.*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
what are they serving at kfc then???
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?
Her: I already hate where this is going
Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—
Her: *softly* no
Me: entre-manure
Her: I’m staying with my sister
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
[pulled over]
Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it
Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up