[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
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[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”
Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.
No weirdos.
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”
Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahahaColonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?
Me: Yeah why?
Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.