cop: you know why i pulled you over
me: …no ?
cop: come on dude
me: maybe i had a few too many–
cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk
me: i–
cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there
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Boy never ceases to amaze me
Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
Shoo shoo! 😂
Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.
The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*
so weird when you meet a girl with the same name as your sister because they’re like hi I’m Jenna and you’re like no you are not. I’m sorry but you are not
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
How do you like your Corgi?
First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]