Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
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Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.
MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport
Mom: Where’s your brother?
Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes
Mom: Mosh?
Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here
Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide
[trick-or-treating]
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.
Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* endorphins
Me: No, just whales
I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
i have one speed and it’s mosey
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”
The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.