*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
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Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
This was the best day of my life
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.
WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.
ME: I know.
*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*
If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.
Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink
Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.