Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me:
You Might Also Like
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
WWE is French for “yes”
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.
evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb
*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.