If you don’t speak English. I’M GOING TO REPEAT EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID MUCH LOUDER. In hopes that you understand.
-Everyone at my job.
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you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
Just the best dancing sandwiches.
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”
That was last night and I still haven’t recovered
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
Look at phone to see what the time is.
Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check TwitterStill no clue what the time is.
airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest