The smoothest fall of all time
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Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
Me: I’m copying & pasting some text & clicking “keep formatting.” no need to change the case
Word: sweet, I’ll change the font
Me: no no keep the font
Word: ok I’ll just change the size
Me: please keep the size the same
Word: u want a different colour u cheeky lil shit lol
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*
My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby
If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away
Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
Twitter remains undefeated