lmfao come on
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Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.
Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.
I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal
*calls in the SWAT team*
cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys
ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no
(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
Lucky old June.
Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..
One. Kernel. At. A. Time.
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.
21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off
51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.