All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
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[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona
Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?
-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t
Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
Tough guy in pub: oh yeah? Well how ’bout we take this outside?
Me (knowing that it’s a cloudless night just perfect for stargazing): well that sounds utterly divine.
I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys
Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?