Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down
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If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?
Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me:
Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.
A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-
I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.
Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th.
Bae Cop: My parents aren’t home. Come over.
[ cooking class ]
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT
Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.
Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.
4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?
Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.
4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.