You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
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I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you
Her: Do you like this outfit?
Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?Her: Changing.
Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!
Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.
Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!
Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken
So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream
grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
hmm conte-me mais
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
This pepper has seen some shit
Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude
Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.