My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
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I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.
Facebook: see what my mom’s friends are up to
Instagram: see what my favorite celebrities are up to
Twitter: see what my fellow swamp demon hell spawn are up to
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*
PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
Him: SHE SAID YES!!
Me, handing him fries: you really don’t need to scream that for every customer who supersizes their order, Jeffrey.
Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”
ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”
BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…
“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter
Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.