[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
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[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.
You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?
WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.
“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.
Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.
The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.
Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.