My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
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Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
2005 Single
2006 Single
2007 Single
2008 Single
2009 Single
2010 Single
2011 Single
2012 Single
2013 Single
2014 Single
2015 Single
2016 Single
2017 Single
2018 SingleReward me for consistency please
*first day as a coach*
Me: ok gang so we should go with a zonal defence here, remember to watch the runners and stick to the plan, goooo team!
Player: *whispering* guys I don’t think coach has played golf before
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”
Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]
Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.
Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.
Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.
Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?
*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say
Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address