Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic
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everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin
[walking into Sephora]
me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.
my husband: I’m right here you know
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you
They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
Someone just threatened to call me later
I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall
Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
me: i’d like to go to this place
google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking
me: no i’m driv-
google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes