Me: What do you think about that?
Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*5 minutes later
K
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Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.
~inspirational
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.
[first BDSM session]
Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?
Me: fwerd
Dom: No! SAFEWORD
Me: *flinching* FWERD
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*
Murderer: *walks through the door*
Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
I hope my company doesn’t😂😂
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you
Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance
It’s a gift