A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
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God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*
Me: what are you-
Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!
Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.
Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is awful and I want to go home. They haven’t let us go swimming even once, and I hate the orange jumpsuits they make us wear. Also, the counselors are mean and my cabin mate says he’s going to shank me. Making license plates is fun, though. Love, John.
Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*
My background check bounced.
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*
Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.
Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19