Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 👏For 👏Help 👏
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“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]
Spelling bees. Why aren’t other competitions called ‘bees’? The Football Bee. The Great Cooking Bee. The Presidential Bee. Send.
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.
Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.
Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.
Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.
Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
Simple enough.