I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
You Might Also Like
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea
For some people, the turkey’s the most important part of the holidays. For others? It’s the pumpkin pie. But me? I’ve always cared more about the people that I spend the holidays with- which is why I’ve gathered you all here today to help me summon grandpa from the great beyond.
Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
son: can I borrow your tie for my interview
dad: my what
son: I need a tie
dad: one more time
son: *sighs* your business necklace
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
For cardio I live beyond my means.
what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.
Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.
me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.