[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?
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spicy snake
[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️🔥
Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM andme:
I’m already out.
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
Teacher: how should we punish the students?
Principal: make them stay home
Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..
Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it
I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.
I have so many questions.
12653.
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”
*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
I took the kids to an orchard in the country today, where we crossed paths with a friendly and very handsome man who was fixing the wiring in one of the gazebos. Now I’m worried we stumbled into a Hallmark movie by mistake.