Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
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You when you started twitter vs. you now.
POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
shit, they caught us—run!!!
Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
Me: Which cup do you want?
2-year-old: That one!
Me: Let’s pick a different one.
2-year-old: No!
*drinks milk from a shot glass*
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no