Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
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to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails
Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.
choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb
*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.
*a meeting somewhere*
“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.