Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
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[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
A charcuterie board is just dry soup
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
yall want some gasoline milk
The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.
My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔
So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
5yo: We should get her two gifts
Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.
5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
[First Date]
I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.
[Second Date]
*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*
my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
doctor: there are two wolves inside of you
me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?
doctor: won’t we all, someday?
me: shouldn’t you know?
doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba