Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
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Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.
Me: They’re just like French fries.
7: Then give me French fries.
There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
[dinner w/friends]
“How long you two been married?”
It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away
Webb. James Webb.
what all these pyramids be scheming about?
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you
@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”