If I had a dollar for every time I’ve woken up in the planetarium, naked except for a clown wig, hungover, next to a dead cat and the shocked stares of a third grade field trip, I’d have…
*counts*
…twelve dollars.
(Don’t you judge me.)
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My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
While on a family road trip
My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?
Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking
My Kid: How about at the next stop light?
Me: sure…
Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?
Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.
Emperor: That sounds plausible.
[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
My kid, sick at school: *lethargic, deathlike pallor, has to be carried*
My kid, sick at home: *eats five meals before lunch time, jumping up and down on bed, wants to go on a hike*
Breaking news:
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*