There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
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I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…
Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?
Me: It doesn’t matter.
Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?
Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.
[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]
Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.
A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.
“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.
Me: my husband’s snoring
Therapist: let me rephrase
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
[finishing dinner]
her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉
me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?
her: no, but-
me: let’s stay
You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
how to fall down a long set of stairs:
step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26
My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
Me: what are you doing
Cat: WAT
Me: I know that look you’re planning something what is it
Cat: HOW DARE
Cat: AM ONLY THINK INNOCENT THOUGHT
Cat: AM PURE OF HEART
Me: your pupils are huge right now
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me: retract those pupils
Cat: JUST GOING 2 DO SMALL DESTROY