Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…
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I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me “William, HELLO!”
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.
Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
“If you want to lose weight eat in front of a mirror, nude”. Tried it. All I saw was a happy naked woman eating cheese.
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
Sometimes when I see a baby wriggling in a highchair, I like to pretend I’m a Bond villain.
“You’ll find escape is quite impossible, Mr. Baby.”
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
[Getting phone call from the School]
Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.
M: Did he win?
T: That’s not really relevant.
M: It is to the winner.
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.
[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.
It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!
[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT
Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody