Air pods looking like an angry frog
You Might Also Like
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
Me trying to “trust the process”
[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M
Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?
My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.
It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK