5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*
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I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
Adult: What’s that a drawing of?
Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family
My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER
How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.
[On date]
Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant
Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”
Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them
Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back